You were hurt and you were damaged. I was too. But you were malicious, focused on the past, focused on your bruised ego. You ignored the bruises you left on me.
Your ego was fixed but I was still trying to find enough salvageable pieces of myself to put together a whole person. I wasn’t the same person you met. I was either better or worse, I’m not quite sure.
But those slow strokes down my back, those talks in your car in the middle of the night, and those God damn smiles I thought only I saw… they made me feel like more than I thought I was worth.
When you ripped them away from me I realized my self worthy was never relevant to you. You didn’t do these things for me, or because of me. You did them to see my reaction. You crave adornment and I was naive. I’m not as stupid as some like to believe. I knew what you did was at least partly selfish.
But I would never have predicted that your imperialism would overpower your humanity.
everything I tried not to be
embedded in my veins
inevitable parts of me
appearing when I can’t control
more like you than I thought
machining demons in our souls
So about a year ago I was living in university residence when I got written up for playing drinking games in my room and forced to write a 2 page paper as punishment. However, I had not actually been in the room. The CAs entered my room without permission and found plastic cups and assumed drinking games had occurred. Here was the essay I wrote for them.
Why Drinking Games Are Bad
Drinking games are detrimental to not only myself but to my community, friends, family, myself and everyone around me. It encourages binge drinking and the excess of alcohol intake as well as doing this all very quickly in short amount of time. Drinking in a game form is why people get too drunk and puke which means you either die, feel very poorly the next day, or cause your friends and community to deal with your beligerant behavior as well as any mess you may excrete from your body due to lack of bodily control that occurs when overly intoxicated. While I have not actually been present for any drinking games in residence, the presence of red cups scattered around the room indicated to CA’s who entered my room without permission or reason that drinking games had occurred in the completely empty room and that action needs to be taken in order to protect the community from the dangers of drinking games. Even though there was nobody in the room, binge drinking as a result of drinking games that allegedly occurred in the room still served much danger to the community. These players were released into the wild and able to cause chaos in all forms of defiance and drunkenness. The issue that occurs is that whomever was allegedly playing drinking games is now no longer in the room and therefore is an uncontrollable force that CA’s cannot stop. They may even return to vomit on community furniture or pass out in the hallway or die on university community property which would not of happened had drinking games not allegedly occurred. A good solution to these problems will be to drink out of thin glass cups next time instead of the durable, unshatterable plastic ones that can easily be manipulated by guests to play drinking games. This will solve the problem of university students binge drinking. Drinking games should never occur on university residence property and I can assure you will not occur in my room, kitchen, bathroom, or cabinets. It is a burden on friends and the community if someone gets overly intoxicated which is easily caused by drinking games and can ruin lives, friendships, and livers but mostly GPA’s because who honestly goes to class after thursden. Therefore the prevention of drinking games can prevent the prevention of low gpa’s and low self-esteem from regrettable actions made when overly intoxicated from the lack of prevention of drinking games causing the prevention of soberness. I have learned from this experience that I shall never again be caught not being present in a room with drinking games as this was how I was written up. Being 20 years old, I understand the dangers of over intoxication but am unable to control myself when games are involved so I shall removed anything that may be manipulated into a drinking game from my room so that any drinking occurring will be straight to the point without any rules, conditions, or points. I can honestly promise there will be no drinking games or evidence of drinking games found in my room ever again. I can assure this promise as I don’t actually drink much and will probably just watch Netflix in bed every weekend for the rest of the academic year. I apologize for this paper not being up to my usual standard as the swift response to the incident occurring over a month ago resulted in me writing this in the midst of also having two 15 page papers and a multitude of finals as well as having just returned from a field trip to the emergency room and my own struggling health. Please don’t kick me out I won’t survive the winter I’m fragile.
They can say you’re a Depressiong story
or an easy lay
Hear what they say
Think what you may
But when they ask if you’re alright
Be cautious, be hesitant
Their intent not malicious
But your answer irrelevant
If the boy said he’d come overDidn’t show up
And the ex you’re still in love with
Is at the bottom of your cup
What would happen if I packed a bag
And spun around the room
Drove that way for a while,
Burnt rubber my perfume
Try and find a small town where
My phone loses reception
There’s an appeal to disappearing,
A societal defection
Off the grid, a nation of my own,
Self reliant, self determined, relations unknown
The boarders reach from my license plate
To the bumper
A young girl’s symphony plays
Of teenage love and abusive mothers
How far do you drive?
How much love have you lost?
How much money is spent?
What’s the emotional cost?
I saw her, you’re not being very indiescreet. She’s skinnier than me, prettier than me, possibly funnier than me. Maybe she’s easier to handle. You didn’t even try but I guess you could tell pretty quick that I’d be more work than I’m worth. Maybe her parents are abusive, or she has a drug problem, or she’s seceretly depressed. Or. She’s an “or”, I’m an “and”. You want the girl who silently cries herself to sleep, but wakes you up with a blowjob. Why would you want a hurricane.
There’s a dent in my mattress and an old shirt in my dresser
The nightstand an odyssey of reality suppressors
You said you never would, a vow you were not entitled to make
Your intentions now malicious, a rescue mission of pride’s sake
So I try to drown you out and scratch a new notch on my bedframe
I don’t even know why I’m the one you blame